


Twelve times Fjord made food for Caduceus (and one that was edible)

by Theatricuddles



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: 5 Times, Cooking, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-10-20 02:28:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20667806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theatricuddles/pseuds/Theatricuddles
Summary: Fjord wants to make something for Caduceus, since Caduceus is always taking care of him.Nothing, not even a complete inability to cook, will stand in his way.





	Twelve times Fjord made food for Caduceus (and one that was edible)

**Author's Note:**

> I love fics about people cooking food for their loved ones. But I also find it funny when characters cannot cook to save their life.

  1. Fish

Fjord once heard “the best way to someone’s heart is through their stomach”. 

He didn’t necessarily think that was true in every situation. But making food for someone certainly couldn't hurt.

So, Fjord picked what he was most confident in. He had eaten his fair share of fish, given his time on the ocean.

So he made Caduceus some fish. He cut off the head and took out the spine. He rubbed some of the leftover spices into the fish meat, and then into the pan. He made sure that it was cooked through by tasting a corner of it.

Wasn’t the most delicious fish ever cooked for someone, but it was definitely serviceable.

As Fjord sat down with the fish, he watched Caduceus walk in, smiling faintly.

“Hello, Mr. Fjord,” said Caduceus quietly. “Make yourself some lunch?”  
  
“This is… for you, actually,” Fjord said, sliding the plate over to him.

“Oh. That’s sweet Fjord, but… I don’t eat fish,” Caduceus said with a faint smile.

“You don’t like the taste?” Fjord asked.

“No, I’m vegetarian, Fjord.”

Fjord kicked himself. “I’m sorry, Caduceus. Don’t vegetarians eat fish?”

Caduceus closed his eyes once, as if thinking about it. “Maybe some do. My family does not.”

“God, Deuces, I’m so sorry about this,” Fjord said, sliding the fish plate back over to him.

“Oh, don’t worry. It was absolutely a sweet gesture,” Caduceus says. “I’m sure one of our other friends would enjoy it.”

  1. A salad

So the fish was a bust. That was obvious.

But maybe the next food wouldn’t be quite as terrible. Fjord mulled it over for a while, reading through one of Jester’s cookbooks that neither she nor he had ever made anything out of (yet), before finally deciding it was probably too complicated and just resolving to make a salad. 

Caduceus was vegetarian? No problem, it was literally made entirely of vegetables. How could anyone ever ruin a salad?

So… Fjord got to work. But as he was getting to work, he realized that he… probably should’ve checked to see what vegetables they had in the house before he left.

He’d found a tomato? And some lettuce, which where the main components of a salad, probably. Did olives go on salads? They didn't have any olives, anyway. What about hard-boiled eggs?

So, after slicing the tomato, washing the lettuce, and putting some leftover hard-boiled egg slices on the salad (he’d kind of crumbled the yolks a little, but hey, at least he’d tried to find something, and he was eighty-percent sure people put eggs on salads), he put the whole thing in a bowl and set it out for Caduceus.

“I made you lunch again. No fish this time,” Fjord smiled.

Caduceus smiled back. “It looks very nice, Fjord.” He looked confused for a moment.

“Wait, do you not eat eggs, or something? I’m so sorry,” said Fjord, but before he could apologize further, Caduceus sat down and immediately started to crunch into the lettuce.

“No, I eat eggs. It’s very good,” he said, smiling at Fjord. Fjord felt his stomach do a little flip.

“Caduuuceus!” Jester called as she slid into the chair next to him. “wha’cha eating?” She asked, stealing a tomato slice from the salad. “Oh jeez, that’s…” Jester tried to school her expression into something resembling a smile, but she had never been good at not wearing her heart on her sleeve. “Are we out of dressing or something?” she said quietly, but not so quiet that Fjord didn’t catch it. “I mean, I don't want you to serve this to Beau or Fjord or somebody and have your feelings hurt because they told you it’s not good,” she said quietly.

“You’re absolutely right, Jester,” Caduceus said back, so quietly Fjord had to strain his ears to make out the words. “I should absolutely add dressing to this salad next time, which I definitely made.”

“Glad we’re on the same page!” Jester said, hopping out of her chair and running over to the cabinet to get out the dressing.

Later, Fjord tasted some of the leftover attempt at salad and concluded three things.

  1. Salads without dressing should not be called salads.
  2. Caduceus was not willing to tell Fjord when his food sucked, so Fjord would have to try and figure out for himself whether the food was gross.
  3. Fjord _really _wanted to make Caduceus happy. He would have to try and figure out what that meant later. For now, he would have to focus on finding something actually edible to feed Caduceus.

That is, assuming Caduceus trusted him to make something that wasn’t awful at this point. He wasn’t entirely sure.

  1. Veggie dog

To be fair, there weren’t a lot of ways to screw up a carrot. He’d seen Caduceus eat carrots before in place of sausages when everyone else was eating a sausage sandwich. It had to be safe, right?

Fjord washed the carrot, peeled it, washed it again just to be safe, dried it, wrapped it in a slice of bread, and gave it to Caduceus.

Caduceus smiled at him. “Fjord, this is very nice,” he said. 

The two of them sat and talked for a while, about their recent battles and about what they might do next, about the Wildmother and their respective worship.

At one point, Caduceus placed his hand over Fjord’s and Fjord swore that he felt his heart stop.

So he had an answer to the question about why he wanted to make Caduceus happy so badly. He just wasn’t sure he liked the answer.

But at least he’d finally made something decent for Caduceus. 

It wasn’t until later, when he watched Caduceus making himself a carrot for lunch, that he realized that Caduceus’ carrot sandwiches were… usually grilled. 

  1. Veggie burger

So he picked food that wouldn’t need to be cooked. The lettuce and tomato weren’t… awful, the first time. He sliced them up, put them on a bun, set it in front of Caduceus. Kid’s stuff.

It was only as Caduceus was biting into it that Fjord remembered… Caduceus usually put his tofu on those sandwiches.

“You usually have like… a tofu patty or something on there, right?”

Caduceus blinked at Fjord. He hesitated a moment, then said, “Generally, yes. Did you not-“ 

Fjord wanted to leap out a window, but he settled for biting the inside of his own cheek. “No. I forgot, Caduceus. I’m so sorry.” 

“So, this is lettuce and tomato?” Caduceus said with a soft smile.

“Fucking… yes, I’m so so sorry-“

“Fjord,” Caduceus said, resting his hand on Fjord’s. “Do you know what sandwiches restaurants usually give me?”  
  
Fjord stopped speaking to look at Caduceus in confusion.

“Usually it’s a slice of lettuce on bread. I will enjoy this very much, Fjord,” Caduceus added as he took another bite of his sandwich.

So it wasn’t a total bust.

  1. Fried egg

To say it was a fried egg was a bit of an overstatement. 

Fjord had _meant _to make a fried egg, certainly. He’d put the oil in the middle of the pan and then cracked the egg onto it. The problem was that then the yellow part started running all over the pan. And fjord wasn’t entirely sure it was supposed to do that.

So he started by gingerly trying to poke the egg back into it’s proper place, but that just seemed to cook the yellow part faster. So Fjord decided that it would be safer to just… try and scramble it! Mid-fry. Worse things had happened.

But as he started to poke the wet bits of egg around, he realized that the white of the egg was already cooked in places, and no amount of poking it with the metal spatula he borrowed from Jester would make it combine with the now-cooked yellow bits. Additionally, the whole thing was starting to look a little brown. Maybe he’d used too much oil? Or not enough oil? One of those, probably.

Either way, he could tell at a glance that there was pretty much no salvaging this. He had been about to scrape the egg into the garbage when Caduceus came downstairs, blinking sleep out of his eyes, and asked, “Are you getting rid of that?”

“I mean, yes,” Fjord said. “It’s basically inedible.”

Caduceus tugged the silverware drawer open with his tail, rummaging through it and pulling out a fork. He grabbed a piece of the egg and after blowing on it a few times, slid the fork into his mouth.

“Could use some more salt, but not bad for a first time,” Caduceus concluded. “Would you like me to show you how to beat some eggs later?”

Fjord kind of felt that it went against the principle of what he was doing, to seek help from the very person he was trying to cook for. And yet, the idea of Caduceus telling him how to cook, the idea of Caduceus’ hands on his as they stirred…

“I’d like that,” Fjord said.

  1. Oatmeal

Fjord had heard something about toasted oats being really good. Maybe it had been Jester? Or Caleb? He honestly couldn’t remember.

Either way, he figured he would toast some oats for Caduceus, in order to make oatmeal. He had no idea how long you were supposed to toast oats. Was it a minute? Five minutes? Ten?

After the first two minutes didn’t produce any noticeable results on the oats, he decided to just leave them for a while, and see if that did anything.

Five minutes later, it had. More specifically, they were burnt. Also, that had been the last of the oats.

Fjord ran to the market in the hopes of buying more before anyone noticed, but the person who usually sold things like flour or oats wasn’t there. He slunk home, resolving to try and make lemonade out of lemons. Or rather, oatmeal out of burnt oats.

So Fjord added some water to the well-done oats. He set the pot on to cook, and hoped it might taste okay if he added sugar. A lot of sugar.

The nicest thing he could say about it was… it tasted like oatmeal. But gritty, and also bad.

Caduceus was walking over. He stole the spoon from Fjord as he walked, and tasted it.

“I think perhaps I should give up on cooking,” Fjord said quietly.

“Really? I mostly taste sugar,” Caduceus said, stirring the oatmeal. 

“I… I thought the oats would taste better toasted,” Fjord said.

Caduceus smiled at him again, and Fjord’s stomach tied itself into a neat little knot.

“Well, now you know how long to toast them for next time,” Caduceus said.

  1. Mushroom steak

Fjord was tired of Caduceus having to make his own “meat” every time the group decided to cook in the garden, under the light tree.

So he bought some mushroom caps and tried to take his cues off from the way Beau was cooking her meat.  
  
Unfortunately, the mushroom cap then came out the consistency of leather.

Caduceus walked by. “Did you make something, Fjord?” he asked.

Fjord shook his head and, not sure what else to do with the attempt at food, shoved a chunk of into his mouth. “No, sorry, this one’s all mine,” he said, struggling to chew through the mouthful of overcooked mushroom.

“Oh,” said Caduceus quietly. He almost looked disappointed as he wandered off. 

Fjord resolved that he would rather choke on his words a million more times than keep making Caduceus sick with them. 

  1. Tofu

“This… doesn’t taste like anything, Fjord,” Beauregard said as she chewed slowly. “Maybe it needs salt?” 

Fjord shook salt onto the fried strips of tofu. He tried it again. “Now it just tastes like salt.”

“Doesn’t Caduceus usually cook it in something?” Beau suggested. “Like, some sort of sauce?” 

“Do you think I was supposed to use soy sauce?” Fjord asked her, head in his hands.

Beau rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. “I think probably,” she said.

  1. Baked Potato

Caleb looked at the baked potato. It was, indeed, baked. There were exactly no other features about it.

“Do you think perhaps… it might taste better with some butter on it?” He asked Fjord.

“Well… I’m not sure how much Caduceus likes dairy. He didn't exactly like milk too much,” Fjord said.

“Well, that’s true. But he _cooks _with butter, Fjord.”

Fjord sighed. “I’ve just been trying to guess what he wants, I suppose,” he said.

Caleb looked at him for a long moment. “You’re going to have to ask him eventually,” he said.

“Ask what kind of food he likes?” Fjord said, quickly clearing the plate before Caleb would have a chance to correct him

“…Something like that,” was all Caleb called while Fjord fled.

  1. Tofu (again)

Jester took a single bite and choked. Fjord took a bite and immediately agreed with her.

“Too much soy sauce?” he asked, quietly.

Jester nodded. “Is there… a reason you’re trying so hard to make something for Caduceus?” she asked.

His lack of an answer was all the answer Jester apparently needed, because her face fell. “Oh, _Fjord,” _she said softly. “You can just… tell him, you know,” she said softly.

Fjord nodded. “I know,” he said.

Then he started flipping through Jester’s cookbook and searching for recipes again.

  1. Tea

It should be literally physically impossible to ruin tea.

You put a teabag in hot water. That is the preparation process for tea.

All of them had finally gotten some downtime, and with a lot of cajoling, Caduceus had agreed to sleep in and let them handle everything. 

As Nott walked by, she peered into the cups of tea that Fjord was standing over. “There’s stuff floating in it,” she remarked, carrying a tray of orange slices. 

Fjord really shouldn’t dignify that with a response. And yet… 

“Really? Just plain oranges?” he asked.

“I know my limits,” Nott said. “And Caduceus likes mint better, anyway.”

“How did you know it was for Caduceus? Did Caleb tell you?” Fjord asked. 

Nott set down her tray of oranges to start laughing. “Fjord, _everyone _knows. I’d be genuinely shocked if _the Bright Queen _doesn’t know by now.” 

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,” Fjord said, but unfortunately Nott was right: there had been a tear in the corner of the teabag, and the tea was leaking out.

Before Nott picked up her tray of orange slices, she turned back towards him, her tail flicking back and forth. “You seriously need to tell him at some point,” she said. “If you haven’t told him soon, I will.”  
  
“What? You’ll tell him you’re in love with him?” Fjord joked.

Nott looked surprised at the l word for a second, then rolled her eyes. “No, you dummy, I’ll tell him _you_ are,” she said, glaring up at him.

“Good luck with your love confession,” Fjord said as he turned away and rinsed the teacup to disguise the note of fear in his stomach.

“Do you _really _want me to steal your man, Fjord?” she called as she picked up her tray again.

“Uh-huh,” Fjord said, putting the kettle on to boil again. 

“I’m just saying, between the two of us, which is married?” Nott said before she disappeared around the corner.

  1. Bread 

Fjord _was _genuinely going to tell Caduceus. At some point. Eventually.

But making things horribly awkward between the two of them could at least wait until Caduceus had showed Fjord how to make bread from his mom’s recipe.

As Fjord waited for Caduceus to show him how to keep mixing the ingredients with the wooden spoon, Caduceus set it aside and started pushing his hands into the mess of flour, water, oil, and little crumbs of butter, and gradually, the mess of disparate parts was beginning to transform into a lump of dough.

A very shaggy lump of dough, but a lump of dough nonetheless. 

After a moment, Caduceus brushed chunks of dough off his fingers and slid the bowl to Fjord. “Now you try,” he said, indicating the bowl.

Fjord gulped. He slowly sank his hands into the dough, trying to mimic the motions he’d just seen Caduceus do. Squeeze, push, squeeze, push.

It was working, to some extent. The dough was slowly pulling together. But Fjord’s shoulders were starting to hurt, and it still didn’t look as smooth as bread dough always looked when he saw bakers making it.

“How long do we keep doing this?” he asked, exhaling as he pushed down on the dough again. For being a lump of flour and water, it was putting up a surprising amount of resistance. 

Caduceus laughed. “As long as it takes for the dough to get smooth,” he said, then at Fjord’s crestfallen look, he added, “You don’t really need to push that hard, though.”

Fjord felt Caduceus come up behind him. Caduceus rested his head on Fjord’s chin, and Fjord almost choked. Then Fjord felt Caduceus’ arms encircling him, pink-furred hands resting atop Fjord’s green ones.

“Like this. See?” Caduceus said, using his fingers to press Fjord’s fingers into the bread dough again. Slowly, he pushed Fjord’s hands into the bread dough again. “You were squeezing down too hard. Just press it a little bit, like you’re trying to get someone on the other side of the bed to roll over.” 

Fjord just nodded. He didn’t trust his voice in this moment, past the lump in his throat. He barely trusted his hands.

Slowly, Fjord learned how to knead bread. He also learned the soft and rough parts of Caduceus’ hands, the way his hair tickled Fjord’s neck as he stood over him, the feeling of his arms around Fjord.

After the kneading rendered the dough soft and smooth, Caduceus covered the bowl with a towel and left it in the corner.

“Now we wait until it doubles in size,” Caduceus says.

But when they came back two hours later, the bread dough was still puddled in the bottom of the bowl.

“Oh Mother, Caduceus, I am so sorry,” Fjord was already saying as Caduceus looked down at the bread dough in the bottom of the bowl, but Caduceus was already pressing a finger to Fjord’s lips.

“I forgot the yeast,” Caduceus said, smiling sheepishly. “So we both learned something today.”

They baked the dough anyway, since there wasn't much else you could do with unrisen dough.

The bread was almost too dense to eat, but that was alright with Fjord.

He could barely swallow after having been exposed to so much of Caduceus’ smile, anyway.

  1. Vegetable broth 

Over the course of the next few weeks, Fjord was learning a lot of things from Caduceus. They made more bread (properly leavened this time), and then they made a cake, much to Jester’s delight.

They made tofu, properly seasoned, and they made a “meat” loaf out of mushrooms. Fjord still wasn’t comfortable trying to make food for Caduceus on his own, but he was getting pretty good at simpler things, like chopping vegetables or watching seitan cook while Caduceus attended to something else.

Being in such close proximity to Caduceus also meant that Fjord was nearly-constantly tempted to take Caduceus’ hand and kiss him, but that was neither here nor there. 

Of course, then Caduceus got horribly sick and couldn’t even get out of bed. 

Everyone was crammed in Caduceus’ room, watching as Jester tried cantrips in an attempt to cool his fever. Eventually, Jester stood up. “Everyone out,” she finally said. “Hovering isn’t going to make him better,” she said, making direct eye contact with Fjord.

Since Fjord was now locked out of Caduceus’ room, he was in the process of trying to make something, maybe a vegetable loaf, that might make Caduceus feel better, but in the process of slicing onions, Beau came down and shook her head at him. 

“Not a chance,” she said. “He can barely even keep down _water _right now.”

So after turning ideas over in his head for a while, Fjord realized what he was going to do.

Throwing the onions into a pot of water, he added two sticks of celery. He washed and peeled two carrots, and added the leftover green onion from last night’s tofu. He peeled two cloves of garlic the way Caduceus had showed him, crushing each under a knife before slipping the papery peel off. He stole a spring of parsley and two springs of fresh thyme from Caduceus’ herb garden, and added them to the pot of water, along with a spoonful of tomato paste and the last dry bay leaf.

Then he left the pot alone for a couple hours, until the whole kitchen was getting a little damp and steamy. 

“That smells good,” Caleb mentioned as he watched Fjord pour the liquid through a sieve into four or five of Caduceus’ big mason jars.

“Can you put these in the pantry?” Fjord asked as he shoved most of the jars to Caleb. He grabbed the remaining one and headed upstairs.

Jester looked at him and sighed. “Five minutes,” she said. “Then you’re leaving him to sleep. Is that clear?” 

Fjord nodded as he stepped into Caduceus’ room.

Caduceus looked up at him. “Fjord,” he said, voice raspy from disuse. “What is…”

“It’s vegetable broth,” Fjord said, pouring some into Caduceus’ empty water glass. “I figured maybe… maybe you could use some flavor. Y’know, since you’ve mostly been drinking water. But it’s also because we care about you, Deuces,” he said. “So… just focus on getting well, and I’ll make them dinner for the next couple days, okay?”

Caduceus was looking up at Fjord almost reverently. The faintest hint of color had returned to his cheeks. “You called me Deuces again,” he said, softly. 

“…What?” Fjord said.

“You haven’t called me that in a long time,” Caduceus said, slowly sitting up with shaky limbs.

And then Fjord was kissing Caduceus, and it was perfect for one brief moment, and Fjord broke away feeling worse than he’d ever felt.

“Caduceus, I’m so so sorry, I never meant to-“

“Fjord-“  
  
“You shouldn’t be having to deal with this, oh Melora you’re _sick_-“ Fjord babbled as he began to back towards the door.

“Fjord-“

“Mother, I’m so sorry, Caduceus, I would never want to take advanta-“

“Fjord!!!”

Fjord stopped backing up to look Caduceus in the eyes. 

“I was pretty sure I kissed first,” Caduceus said, not making eye contact with Fjord. “So if you-“

Before Caduceus could finish his sentence, Fjord had crossed the room and was kissing him again.

But only for a moment, because then Caduceus slumped backward, grinning stupidly up at Fjord, and Fjord realized that Caduceus had fainted.

At that exact moment, Jester burst back through the door, with Nott riding piggyback. “Fjord is in love with you!” Nott shouted, but then realized what was going on in the room.

“I think he kind of knows now,” Fjord said in mild confusion, looking down at the unconscious firbolg in his arms.

“Oh god, Fjord, you _killed Caduceus!” _Jester shouted, as she pushed Nott off her back with a thud and quickly ran to Caduceus side.

“He’s a delicate man! You overloaded his heart when it was at its most fragile!!” Nott shouted, springing back to her feet nearly immediately.

“I just brought him some vegetable broth,” Fjord said. 

“Perhaps if you kiss him again, true love’s kiss will wake sleeping beauty,” Caleb remarked from the doorway.

After a few minutes, Caduceus gradually blinked awake.

“That wasn’t a fever dream, right?” he asked Jester.

“I told you!! I told you Fjord was head-over-heels for you!! But noooooo, _it’s not the right time! _Well, how do you feel _now,_” Jester grinned, poking Caduceus in the shoulder.

“I feel a little lightheaded. Actually, do you know what might help? That broth that Fjord made,” Caduceus said, taking Fjord’s hand.

(Fjord was horribly sick the next day.

It was worth it.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the server for encouraging me to write this, and also for giving me suggestions of horrible attempts at vegetarian food for Fjord to make.


End file.
